Dad Mental Health

This morning I did an ad for a whole being health and wellness seminar my church is hosting. It caused me to reflect a bit more on my mental health the last little while. Change has been the centre of my family’s year. We moved, I changed jobs and therefore churches as well. Going from small town to city and from a larger to smaller house had our family buzzing.

Our four year old will still mention our old house and old church to declare how much she misses it and the moving process was incredibly emotional. Nothing like packing your entire life up to cause a crying breakdown. The needle that broke our four year old’s back, or heart I guess, was deflating my wife’s medicine ball. Did you know? Those darn things are the slowest to deflate? Well, we isolated the two children in a room with pizza and paw patrol, the two “p’s” of good parenting, and kept working.

Then, a newborn came. I thought I was doing alright with everything. Our newborn is healthy and doing super well. Our two other girls were loving her to bits. We had people helping us out. Everything was going fine. Except. . . Except I didn’t feel like it was going well.

I had taken things one step at a time but it all finally hit me. I couldn’t shake my negative thoughts and mental health was poor. I needed something.

I have a new support group through my district of churches and through that I sensed God was calling me his child who was loved and from that I knew I was even spiritually okay. God extended grace to me in my quiet times with him when there was no room, it seemed, for quiet time.

So what to do? Well, I’m not sure I know fully, but a couple things changed and helped my outlook. Routine and doing the things I love.

I would NEVER have proclaimed the benefits of routine in my early 20’s but man alive, getting back to work, getting a bit active, getting the girls into their programs, all helped brighten my day. Not only that, but it’s mostly things I love. I collaborated with a few people for various ministries in the church and have several speaking engagements lined up right away. And next I’ll be spending time with some great leaders who invest into each other’s lives.

I know I don’t have the keys to battling mental health issues every time, but these two things, routine and doing what I love, really helped. That and starring at my newborn. She’s amazing.

In the end, it makes me wonder about God’s kingdom that’s breaking into our world. I can’t help but think that in some way routine and passions were and are the in-breaking of his kingdom into my life. They helped me get out of my funk and bring happiness. And of course… we all know that holding, smelling and talking to a newborn is definitely God’s kingdom breaking into our world.

 

Pain at Christmas

In some ways, it feels like an eternity and other days it feels like a horrid yesterday. As I sit waiting for a funeral to happen this close to Christmas I can’t help be struck by my own Mother’s passing. Today’s Mother and Grandmother died suddenly and within a few days of getting sick as did mine.

This isn’t the first time I have felt the emptiness of my Mom’s presence this season. It seems as though each day has a moment where a sinking feeling drops my heart to my shoe. Christmas baking, Christmas music and of course presents; they all point me back to her. Christmas was always bittersweet for my Mom. She loved the season but always felt the lack of money to make it the way she wanted. Little did she realize, though we told her constantly, that we loved Christmas no matter what. Christmas was us, it was family. It was being at both sets of grandparents. It was the candlelight and Christmas lights the pierced into the evening. No matter how old I got or what Christmas parties I went to, I wanted to be home for Christmas eve as much as I could. I loved being there, just being.

The next hard thing is a baby was born to my brother’s family this month. Of course, my Mother would hold and spoil and sing to this child and that void is impossible to fill, nor does anyone expect it filled. No, it remains a void and should remain a void. The void reminds us that a special woman is missing this Christ. A woman who would give the chance for a diamond to let her kids have a life.

Of course, this reminds me of the Father, who gave up his diamond, his own son, Jesus. He sent him to be this cute feeble human baby, susceptible to death. His life and his awful death are more than generous to let us be a part of his kingdom. The great news in all of this is that Jesus didn’t stay dead. This is now our hope. This is the hope of Christmas. We feel death but need not fear it.

So, not fearing death this Christmas, I still feel it. This feeling reminds me of hope in Jesus. This bittersweet feeling reminds me of Mom. The bitterness of her being gone is in tension with the sweet memories that this hurt brings to mind. The bitterness of Jesus’ death is in tension with the sweet eternal acceptance that this hurt brings into existence.

 

Let’s Talk About Jesus

Looking over to the person beside me on the plane, I lean in to speak only to let out a fearful squeak. I settle into my comatose plane ride with a war battling within me. My neighbour is out often. We have shared life together from house improvements to job loss but whenever my heart burns to talk about Jesus my fear squeak pokes out and words rescind.

Evangelism has been on my heart the past five years. Even typing the word makes my bones shutter. All I think about is colonization, white supremacists, and manipulation. When colonization was happening, preachers or missionaries would jump on board the ships to help “civilize” religion. The major problem with racial supremacy is the entitlement that caused violence and mass murder to First Nations or those who settled before. At this point, along with the Crusades, Christianity meant violence and murder. White Supremacists use a bizarre form of Christianity in a similar tone. Manipulation was rooted in evangelists who felt the sense of spiritual authoritative power that comes with whisking in and out of towns or through 30-minute television programs without investing in a relationship with the community. That anti-relational ministry is contrary to what Paul did. Paul said he didn’t only give the gospel but gave of their very selves (1 Thess 2:8-12). Tension builds within me so that when I want to bring Jesus up, I squeak. Fear fills me.

The tension is this: Paul states, “How are they to hear without someone preaching?” In context, Paul is discussing salvation coming from both your heart and in your mouth to then quote the prophet, Joel, to say, “Everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved” (Rom 10:5-15). Next, Paul urges people to use their mouths to tell people about salvation. Maybe the word evangelism needs rebranding or a new word to help this tension because this much is clear: We need to talk about Jesus.

After preaching on this, an elderly gentleman and former minister of the gospel came to tell me this is a problem. He detailed a church meeting he went to that talked about the good old days when they saw great numbers of people come to the faith and be baptized. The problem, he stated, was they weren’t talking about Jesus. He was alive when the numbers were coming in after the great depression and the difference then was you couldn’t stop people from talking about Jesus.

The Western Canadian District of the Christian and Missionary Alliance began by seeing the lack of Jesus in the West. This resulted in Christian workers coming from New York to ride saddleback in order to spread the gospel with nothing other than their horse, saddle, blanket, and a map. They had such a desire to simply tell people about Jesus.

We have a plague of a private faith in a public kingdom. Privacy is normal with our six-foot fences or isolated acreages. We are told from our culture that church and state must be separate. This has been ingrained in us for hundreds of years, even before Canada existed. So now, everyone is free to believe what they want, but it must stay at home. Government and courts have no place for religious talk. We live in a spiritually quiet country but the Kingdom of God comes loudly.

The Kingdom only comes loudly because it is so different from our culture. Jesus came healing and resurrecting the dead. He wipes away pain and tears. This isn’t normal except in the Kingdom of God (Rev 21:3-5). The Kingdom of God is so disruptive that it got Jesus killed.

The loud kingdom collides with my private faith, seizing my tongue from uttering anything but a squeak. Fear and shame fill me. Brent Trask stated in a district address, “In our culture of tolerance for everything except the Bible and our obsession with politeness and safety, there is a shyness and shame about the gospel that has crept into the church and it is hobbling us. It has us bound up and this must be discontinued.” It sounds like fear and shame are filling all of us.

I want to talk about Jesus because he means a lot to me. That sounds simplistic but I like to talk about things I like and that affect me. I talk about everything from the weather to renovations to camping and Jesus affects me more than any of those. He has helped me in pain and through loss of my mom. He gave great clarity in times of stress over my future. He provided money when I was strapped. He stopped the rain and started it again just in time to finish a gospel event. He cares and loves and makes a difference. So how can I talk about him?

As Paul urged Timothy so it permeates my heart, “You then, my child, be strengthened by the grace that is in Christ Jesus” (2 Tim 2:1). Strength comes from living in the grace Jesus gives. Earlier in this same letter, Paul urged Timothy to “Fan into flame the gift of God, which is in you” (2 Tim 1:6). The only fanning I know is to ask the Lord to strengthen me by his grace, to ask for forgiveness for being ashamed of him and fearful of bringing up his name and this by the filling of his presence into me. The bitter past of talking about Jesus needs cut off by Jesus himself.

I kinda lied earlier. The public is opening up about spiritual talk. Experience is highly valued, including spiritual experience. People may be cynical but it includes government, authority, and chance as well. Maybe it’s time to give Jesus a chance. Maybe it’s time to talk about him with our friends, family, and co-workers. Or maybe at least start adding him to our language. “It’s a nice day, isn’t it?” “Yea, God’s really given us a good one!” Maybe eventually I’ll be bold enough for this: “Man, I lost my job.” “No way! That’s awful. Are you guys set up or need any help and hey, can I pray for you right now?” Who knows, maybe Jesus’ kingdom will spread.

 

 

 

He is our home: another Pilgrim thought

Psalm 90-91 
“Through all generations, you have been our home.”

We weren’t too long into our pilgrimage when Penelope said it for the first time. “I want my bed” or sometimes “I want my home.” The “my” was especially heartbreaking as homesickness filled her little body. I would utter something like “we are your home” or “we’ll be home in a few days.” Three and a half weeks was long for me so I can only imagine what it felt like for a two year old. 

Moses and the Israelites knew what it was like to be away from home. In fact they knew what it was to have no home. They had word that a new home was ahead. They had hope. They had a longing for what was ahead. It was a home given by the Lord. But more than that, Moses here proclaims that their home has always been a person, namely, the Lord. I was right! Home was more about a person and not a location. It’s nice to feel right every now and then. 

I think about the heartbreak I felt for Penelope and how I felt her heart in the longing for home. It made me wonder about that feeling towards God. He is our home after all. 

There are days of sickness or bad experiences that make me not like where I’m at. In those moments I think I long as Penelope longed, “I want my home.” I long to be in the presence of the Lord. This is not simply a longing for death of this world but a longing for him now in my current reality. I long to experience him in gladness and goodness as these Psalms proclaim. I desire and long for his love to overwhelm me. It is there, under his wing that I know, no matter, that I am good and that I am safe. 

In ways, being homesick or having rotten days is good. It is then that I can lean into the presence and love of God. The only problem is that my understanding is sometimes like a two year old. Place is comfort. Routine and familiarity is home. And that home can feel a great distance away. But again, like a two year old, a good hug and some time enjoying life together allows presence and love be our home. Let’s face it, we all need a good hug from time to time and if you’re me, it’s probably more often than not. Life and the enemy can get us down, let’s embrace the presence of God. He is our home. 

 

Pilgrimage #2

The winds crash, something bangs on the side on our cabin jolting us awake. The hurricane force winds have arrived and both Nadine and I know sleep will be scarce. To God’s glory Penelope never woke through it all. 

So pilgrimage is hard. Of course I knew hat going in and especially trying to pilgrimage with 2 little ones, but the amount of rain and storms didn’t help. Getting the girls to sleep was the hardest thing. They got cranky and hangry and we were exhausted by the time they were asleep. 

This left little time for reading, prayer or even hang out time. The routine I wanted was thrown out with the sun early on. There was no reading on the beach as the waves crashed in. There were no prolonged times sitting in his presence. So what was this pilgrimage?

There were some amazing times. The rain and winds were an opportunity to see the largest waves crashing against the land. It was divine. We had a magical time with Minnie Mouse and others at Disney. We met great people and saw animals and creatures. We played together and drove lots. The biggest surprise location was Vegas. Penelope danced and we loved just walking and seeing the sites. 

In the large amount of time I’m not sure it’s clear what the pilgrimage showed me. In reflecting on my last post here’s what happened: My life shut up. 

I didn’t realize this until the last driving day. Nadine and I were talking through the trip and now hopes for being back. We began to talk about specifics of the ministry then I saw it. This was the first time I thought about ministry in a while. This is the purpose of a sabbatical after all, but as I let that thought simmer I got excited. I had been resting. 

Rest looks different in different seasons. Sometimes it’s sleep or sport or good friends. Sometimes it’s camping or mountains or bright lights. In my case most of that was present but more importantly I was occupied by something other than my current ministry. My mind, emotions and spirit rested from work. I don’t think I will know the benefit of that until return to work. 

My neighbour reminds me often of the mental and emtoitonal strain of my job. He says he could never do it. Though not a church goer or believer himself, he understands the social aspect of my work. Then I think, “you know you’re right.” My mind is constantly going.

I am blessed with the great ability to shut off my mind towards work when I’m not there and with my family. But it’s still there and weighs on me subconsciously. This is not negative and comes with the work, but I have to know how to release it and manage it. God knew we humans needed rythyms of rest. A sabbath day and even a year of jubilee. The extended rest does things a day can’t. I look forward to seeing what that looks like. 

Sitting at the end of the pilgrimage I am glad to be out of the van. A puking 2 year old was enough to force me to drive the extra 5 hours to get home early. But with the awful came the great. With the pain and struggle came rest. Though they seem like opposites, they actually make a great couple. 

 

Pilgrimage #1

March 28,2017 

Pilgrimage:Though many dictionaries give an ok definition and though Wikipedia is not a great academic or pastoral source, I find Wikipedia helpful as I ponder the current pilgrimage that I am on. In particular, I find it helpful to see the world’s common take on pilgrimage and how it compares. So here we go: 

 “A pilgrimage is a journey or search of moral or spiritual significance. Typically, it is a journey to a shrine or other location of importance to a person’s beliefs and faith, although sometimes it can be a metaphorical journey into someone’s own beliefs.” 

I am truly and intentionally on a spiritual journey. I have disconnected from work and the everyday of Vegreville. There will be a measure of suffering, Penelope already smoked her mouth at McDonalds today and bled everywhere, but Lord may it be a time of spiritually looking at you that I and we may glorify you and find purpose and meaning in our steps. 

Typically a pilgrimage is to a shrine and in ways I have come to the mountains to see him in nature but I’m also going to see friends and the wonderful shrine known as Disney. It is a family journey and holiday after all. 

Like a lot of people, Nadine and I have dreamed about a west coast trip. The sound and smell of two giants crashing against one another is divine to me. The massive land and vast ocean constantly in love and war draw me in. This journey represents our life. I think that’s what makes it a pilgrimage after all. But we want to be so intentional about seeking the Lord in this time. Fairhaven is a great place to start. After an intense start to sabbatical, with international travel to see ministries, now it’s time to journey and step back. Let’s slow down the pace, 4 hour drives only and read, think, pray, ponder, play, explore, discover, struggle, argue, find and rest. 

My life constantly feels like a crossroads. I am in midst of a great journey yet sense large life choices are always in front of me, begging for a decision. Like a beggar on the side of the road, I constantly throw some change into his hat, never dealing with his poverty. That nagging appeal gets to me. Decisions never seem to get made. So I pilgrimage. This is my way of saying, “shut up life.” Of course I yell this with as much meekness as I can conjure and with upmost concern for life itself. 

I back away and slow down to hear and listen. Not to be internal, simply throwing change into that beggars hat. No, I stop and slow down to see God. Though a pilgrimage arrives at a destination, every pilgrim and his dog knows it is about the journey and it’s best to embrace that than be overcome by it to then shout, “that’s it?” at the finish. But the journey is not even going to climax at seeing my holy shrine. It is completely about seeing Him along the way. I want to let him show me what he wants to show me. It may be past or future. It may be the heart or the head. It may be family or friends or could even be death and life. 

As a pilgrim I simply choose to go. Of course I go with lots of planning (that I made my wife do). But I go in joy. I go ready for conversation with man and God. I go ready for encounters with nature and God. I go ready to experience and find. Who knows what he’ll show me. I had a sense God was excited for this journey. I hope so… because I am. 

 

Perspective and Hope

My sabbatical started 12:00 midnight march 7th. 12:05 my flight left for Aruba. No, not a vacation though I plan to take advantage. My goal and plan is perspective. 

Technically this is not my first international trip, nor my first missions trip. But, it is the first trip to another continent. Big picture has shaped who I am. I desire he ability to think purpose and kingdom but sometimes the regular rythym doesn’t allow for out of box thinking. 

So here I am, working in a small church in Aruba. The ironic thing is my first full day included IT work, not so out of the ordinary. So far, here is my perspective change: 

Culture isn’t a barrier. I mean, it is if one is insecure. But while people speak different dialects of Chinese and Papiamento all around me, I am strangely ok not knowing what’s all being said. Even in the prayer meeting it didn’t matter what language.  Most know English here so that helps but even so, talking with a gentleman today, we had such common ground to talk about. From politics to country comparison to religion(not even a Christian). 
I admit I have been fearful of working in a Chinese church. Fearful of not having a connection. But we are people. The best place to begin was a prayer meeting. They talked of their struggles and praises, economic struggle and sickness.  God loves all nations. Scripture says he desires that all nations would come to him(Haggai & 1 Tim). I don’t think we get past the prejudice until we are face to face and life to life together. In the end I felt the urge to share a deep prayer request. They cared and loved me. 

I have hope hope that God wants to show me perspective. I don’t know it all and need to see more. This is just the start… but it’s a good one. And this island rocks. 

 

Christmas Then & Now

Christmas has come and gone. All that is left is the tune in my head perpetually asking, “what are you doing for New Year’s Eve” and a dried out Christmas tree. Oh, and a huge mess of dishes and wrapping paper and no room to store the new toys. But this isn’t what strikes me the most.

Satisfaction. That is what is striking me. Never before has this been the post Christmas feeling. As a kid I threw all my weight into Christmas Eve, Santa bringing me what I wanted, and the chaos of Christmas Day. I’m not sure if it’s having two daughters or the mental preparations, specifically designing everything from Black Friday with everything Christmas, but in the end here I am, content.

Having kids at Christmas is awesome. The lights, the chocolate & candy, the presents, the family, the concerts and more are all new for a 2 year old and so I too get to see it al anew. And over that she’s already getting the basics of baby Jesus. It’s triggered more bible times for her and I. Just last night, getting home late from the city, she asked for bible with her snack.

But in this Christmas season I’ve embraced the word “season.” No more hyped anticipation of Christmas Eve. Christmas is a month long and needs to be taken as such. Cookie baking, decorating, signing, it’s all Christmas. Christmas isn’t a day, it’s a season. Advent has helped me with this. It truly is a season of preparation. But the key is the preparation is the event.

Preparation is not simply necessary in order to get to the destination. Like Christ preparing us for himself and eternity, today is no less salvation then when we enter that glorious kingdom in its fullness. So I embrace the season and find myself content. And tired. And ready for New Years.

Content with Christmas and what it has brought, content with my souls and it’s preparation, I now go back to asking my beautiful wife in lustrous notes, “what are you doing New Years, New Year’s Eve?”

 

Powerful Christmas Songs

Old hymns can sometimes not hit the mark in worshipful attitude and theology, the two components to a great worship song. But of course hundreds of christian worship songs are written monthly and a lot miss the mark as well. However, as I prepare and lead advent and Christmas services I began to reflect on these hardy little tunes that have endured so long. Often their music is so full and robust you can miss the message and worship of the song. “O Little Town of Bethlehem” was never a song intended to live past 1868, but fits the bill here.

The first stanza is perfect for advent. It sings,

“Yet in thy dark streets shineth the everlasting light.”

Advent is a time of waiting and often in darkness. Everything compared to Christ is dark and we await his second return as Israel awaited the messiah those many years ago. From darkness to light is not only the message of Christmas but of the gospel as well.

The last stanza also hits me in the theological heart,

“O holy child of Bethlehem, descend to us we pray; Cast out our sin and enter in, be born in us today. We hear the Christmas angels the great glad tidings tell; O come to us, abide with us, our Lord Emmanuel!”

As we live in this dark world and know how great God’s kingdom is, we can only pray as Jesus taught us, “your kingdom come, your will be done on earth as it is in heaven” Matt 6:10. Descend to us Lord. Only he can “cast out” our sin and make us pure. John 3 concerning being born again is here as well as John 15 of abiding with us. How amazing to have a God who not only casts out sin from our lives but he also lives with us.

As we sing songs like this one this Christmas, may they not be simply nostalgic candy to our ears but robust worship moments, engaging our lives with God’s to see a glimpse of his kingdom as he brings it.

 

A Prayer From The Desert

From Daily Readings with the Desert Fathers   Imagine being taken or your inmost self being the possession  of the Holy Spirit. It seems to be the only way to be rid of sin. It seems there is nothing I can do to get rid of it. It has to be the Lord. 

The last sentence intrigues and inspires me. The prayer for guidance could be for so many important areas of life, but this desert Father chose this “that I may remember your presence day and night.” 

It wasn’t guidance in solving a problem or making the best decision for the family. It was guidance to be in the presence of God. Wisdom is this: Ginding ourselves in the presence of God.