Pain at Christmas

In some ways, it feels like an eternity and other days it feels like a horrid yesterday. As I sit waiting for a funeral to happen this close to Christmas I can’t help be struck by my own Mother’s passing. Today’s Mother and Grandmother died suddenly and within a few days of getting sick as did mine.

This isn’t the first time I have felt the emptiness of my Mom’s presence this season. It seems as though each day has a moment where a sinking feeling drops my heart to my shoe. Christmas baking, Christmas music and of course presents; they all point me back to her. Christmas was always bittersweet for my Mom. She loved the season but always felt the lack of money to make it the way she wanted. Little did she realize, though we told her constantly, that we loved Christmas no matter what. Christmas was us, it was family. It was being at both sets of grandparents. It was the candlelight and Christmas lights the pierced into the evening. No matter how old I got or what Christmas parties I went to, I wanted to be home for Christmas eve as much as I could. I loved being there, just being.

The next hard thing is a baby was born to my brother’s family this month. Of course, my Mother would hold and spoil and sing to this child and that void is impossible to fill, nor does anyone expect it filled. No, it remains a void and should remain a void. The void reminds us that a special woman is missing this Christ. A woman who would give the chance for a diamond to let her kids have a life.

Of course, this reminds me of the Father, who gave up his diamond, his own son, Jesus. He sent him to be this cute feeble human baby, susceptible to death. His life and his awful death are more than generous to let us be a part of his kingdom. The great news in all of this is that Jesus didn’t stay dead. This is now our hope. This is the hope of Christmas. We feel death but need not fear it.

So, not fearing death this Christmas, I still feel it. This feeling reminds me of hope in Jesus. This bittersweet feeling reminds me of Mom. The bitterness of her being gone is in tension with the sweet memories that this hurt brings to mind. The bitterness of Jesus’ death is in tension with the sweet eternal acceptance that this hurt brings into existence.

 

He is our home: another Pilgrim thought

Psalm 90-91 
“Through all generations, you have been our home.”

We weren’t too long into our pilgrimage when Penelope said it for the first time. “I want my bed” or sometimes “I want my home.” The “my” was especially heartbreaking as homesickness filled her little body. I would utter something like “we are your home” or “we’ll be home in a few days.” Three and a half weeks was long for me so I can only imagine what it felt like for a two year old. 

Moses and the Israelites knew what it was like to be away from home. In fact they knew what it was to have no home. They had word that a new home was ahead. They had hope. They had a longing for what was ahead. It was a home given by the Lord. But more than that, Moses here proclaims that their home has always been a person, namely, the Lord. I was right! Home was more about a person and not a location. It’s nice to feel right every now and then. 

I think about the heartbreak I felt for Penelope and how I felt her heart in the longing for home. It made me wonder about that feeling towards God. He is our home after all. 

There are days of sickness or bad experiences that make me not like where I’m at. In those moments I think I long as Penelope longed, “I want my home.” I long to be in the presence of the Lord. This is not simply a longing for death of this world but a longing for him now in my current reality. I long to experience him in gladness and goodness as these Psalms proclaim. I desire and long for his love to overwhelm me. It is there, under his wing that I know, no matter, that I am good and that I am safe. 

In ways, being homesick or having rotten days is good. It is then that I can lean into the presence and love of God. The only problem is that my understanding is sometimes like a two year old. Place is comfort. Routine and familiarity is home. And that home can feel a great distance away. But again, like a two year old, a good hug and some time enjoying life together allows presence and love be our home. Let’s face it, we all need a good hug from time to time and if you’re me, it’s probably more often than not. Life and the enemy can get us down, let’s embrace the presence of God. He is our home. 

 

Pilgrimage #2

The winds crash, something bangs on the side on our cabin jolting us awake. The hurricane force winds have arrived and both Nadine and I know sleep will be scarce. To God’s glory Penelope never woke through it all. 

So pilgrimage is hard. Of course I knew hat going in and especially trying to pilgrimage with 2 little ones, but the amount of rain and storms didn’t help. Getting the girls to sleep was the hardest thing. They got cranky and hangry and we were exhausted by the time they were asleep. 

This left little time for reading, prayer or even hang out time. The routine I wanted was thrown out with the sun early on. There was no reading on the beach as the waves crashed in. There were no prolonged times sitting in his presence. So what was this pilgrimage?

There were some amazing times. The rain and winds were an opportunity to see the largest waves crashing against the land. It was divine. We had a magical time with Minnie Mouse and others at Disney. We met great people and saw animals and creatures. We played together and drove lots. The biggest surprise location was Vegas. Penelope danced and we loved just walking and seeing the sites. 

In the large amount of time I’m not sure it’s clear what the pilgrimage showed me. In reflecting on my last post here’s what happened: My life shut up. 

I didn’t realize this until the last driving day. Nadine and I were talking through the trip and now hopes for being back. We began to talk about specifics of the ministry then I saw it. This was the first time I thought about ministry in a while. This is the purpose of a sabbatical after all, but as I let that thought simmer I got excited. I had been resting. 

Rest looks different in different seasons. Sometimes it’s sleep or sport or good friends. Sometimes it’s camping or mountains or bright lights. In my case most of that was present but more importantly I was occupied by something other than my current ministry. My mind, emotions and spirit rested from work. I don’t think I will know the benefit of that until return to work. 

My neighbour reminds me often of the mental and emtoitonal strain of my job. He says he could never do it. Though not a church goer or believer himself, he understands the social aspect of my work. Then I think, “you know you’re right.” My mind is constantly going.

I am blessed with the great ability to shut off my mind towards work when I’m not there and with my family. But it’s still there and weighs on me subconsciously. This is not negative and comes with the work, but I have to know how to release it and manage it. God knew we humans needed rythyms of rest. A sabbath day and even a year of jubilee. The extended rest does things a day can’t. I look forward to seeing what that looks like. 

Sitting at the end of the pilgrimage I am glad to be out of the van. A puking 2 year old was enough to force me to drive the extra 5 hours to get home early. But with the awful came the great. With the pain and struggle came rest. Though they seem like opposites, they actually make a great couple. 

 

Pilgrimage #1

March 28,2017 

Pilgrimage:Though many dictionaries give an ok definition and though Wikipedia is not a great academic or pastoral source, I find Wikipedia helpful as I ponder the current pilgrimage that I am on. In particular, I find it helpful to see the world’s common take on pilgrimage and how it compares. So here we go: 

 “A pilgrimage is a journey or search of moral or spiritual significance. Typically, it is a journey to a shrine or other location of importance to a person’s beliefs and faith, although sometimes it can be a metaphorical journey into someone’s own beliefs.” 

I am truly and intentionally on a spiritual journey. I have disconnected from work and the everyday of Vegreville. There will be a measure of suffering, Penelope already smoked her mouth at McDonalds today and bled everywhere, but Lord may it be a time of spiritually looking at you that I and we may glorify you and find purpose and meaning in our steps. 

Typically a pilgrimage is to a shrine and in ways I have come to the mountains to see him in nature but I’m also going to see friends and the wonderful shrine known as Disney. It is a family journey and holiday after all. 

Like a lot of people, Nadine and I have dreamed about a west coast trip. The sound and smell of two giants crashing against one another is divine to me. The massive land and vast ocean constantly in love and war draw me in. This journey represents our life. I think that’s what makes it a pilgrimage after all. But we want to be so intentional about seeking the Lord in this time. Fairhaven is a great place to start. After an intense start to sabbatical, with international travel to see ministries, now it’s time to journey and step back. Let’s slow down the pace, 4 hour drives only and read, think, pray, ponder, play, explore, discover, struggle, argue, find and rest. 

My life constantly feels like a crossroads. I am in midst of a great journey yet sense large life choices are always in front of me, begging for a decision. Like a beggar on the side of the road, I constantly throw some change into his hat, never dealing with his poverty. That nagging appeal gets to me. Decisions never seem to get made. So I pilgrimage. This is my way of saying, “shut up life.” Of course I yell this with as much meekness as I can conjure and with upmost concern for life itself. 

I back away and slow down to hear and listen. Not to be internal, simply throwing change into that beggars hat. No, I stop and slow down to see God. Though a pilgrimage arrives at a destination, every pilgrim and his dog knows it is about the journey and it’s best to embrace that than be overcome by it to then shout, “that’s it?” at the finish. But the journey is not even going to climax at seeing my holy shrine. It is completely about seeing Him along the way. I want to let him show me what he wants to show me. It may be past or future. It may be the heart or the head. It may be family or friends or could even be death and life. 

As a pilgrim I simply choose to go. Of course I go with lots of planning (that I made my wife do). But I go in joy. I go ready for conversation with man and God. I go ready for encounters with nature and God. I go ready to experience and find. Who knows what he’ll show me. I had a sense God was excited for this journey. I hope so… because I am. 

 

Perspective and Hope

My sabbatical started 12:00 midnight march 7th. 12:05 my flight left for Aruba. No, not a vacation though I plan to take advantage. My goal and plan is perspective. 

Technically this is not my first international trip, nor my first missions trip. But, it is the first trip to another continent. Big picture has shaped who I am. I desire he ability to think purpose and kingdom but sometimes the regular rythym doesn’t allow for out of box thinking. 

So here I am, working in a small church in Aruba. The ironic thing is my first full day included IT work, not so out of the ordinary. So far, here is my perspective change: 

Culture isn’t a barrier. I mean, it is if one is insecure. But while people speak different dialects of Chinese and Papiamento all around me, I am strangely ok not knowing what’s all being said. Even in the prayer meeting it didn’t matter what language.  Most know English here so that helps but even so, talking with a gentleman today, we had such common ground to talk about. From politics to country comparison to religion(not even a Christian). 
I admit I have been fearful of working in a Chinese church. Fearful of not having a connection. But we are people. The best place to begin was a prayer meeting. They talked of their struggles and praises, economic struggle and sickness.  God loves all nations. Scripture says he desires that all nations would come to him(Haggai & 1 Tim). I don’t think we get past the prejudice until we are face to face and life to life together. In the end I felt the urge to share a deep prayer request. They cared and loved me. 

I have hope hope that God wants to show me perspective. I don’t know it all and need to see more. This is just the start… but it’s a good one. And this island rocks. 

 

Just Keep praying… praying… praying

Our small group just switched up our focus. From a study on James to narrowing in on prayer. The new premise is around circling the promises that God has and praying into them. Simple, right! 

Of course one could take the idea and go off in anger, saying ridiculous things like, “I’ll circle the Ferrari at West-Edmonton mall,” in complete sarcasm, at which time I proceed kicking them in the face (more sarcasm). Of course the words of Jesus were not simply, “whatever you ask you get,” but whatever you ask “in my name” or “according to my will.” The problem is that we think God’s will is some ominous and far off plan that we know nothing about. 

Thessalonians is clear, the will of God for us is to be sanctified (1 Thess 4). But the question of course, is this: What is God’s specific will for me in that sanctification? Well . . . Let’s begin with the base of sanctification, namely, surrender. In order for God to sanctify us, we must give up ourselves to God so God’s will can take up residence in and through us. 

Now that God’s will is at work and he can do as he wishes, then we look at what he promises to his people. We can look at scripture to see his promise of peace or adoption or care etc. But then we look specifically at individuals and how he created them. If we honour creation(with the knowledge of brokenness and sin) then we need to look at who “I” am and how God has made me, along with an assessment of my current situation. For example: You are unsatisfied with the job you have, so we must ask, what’s your passion and what are you good at? Then we ask for God’s peace in letting go of the one job and the revealing of another. Maybe he gives peace to stay put for now and maybe he tells us to move on, but in any case, he draws us closer to himself (THIS IS THE MAIN POINT AFTERALL).

This is the type of promise we circle to pray into everyday. The premise is God actually cares for us and hears our prayers. He is a God who created us for things, namely his work and purpose. SO, when we are dissatisfied or see a need in our life that needs prayer, maybe, just maybe, it’s God saying, “Its time seek me and what I have for you.” This is circling something in prayer and not letting it go. Once we find that thing that the Lord is leading us to, we must claim it. If the Lord has for me, why shouldn’t I? Simple right? 

As I think about prayer, I can easily get confused or angry. I should be able to tell God what I want, whatever it is, and he’ll give it, right? That’s what I often feel (thanks to sin and culture), which leads to disappointment in God. When, it is really my beliefs that have the problem. I need to actually see that God has some pretty great promises for me and us, the church. And in fact, they are better and richer than we could ever ask or imagine. 

 

Heavenly Perfection and Earthly Brokenness

I find this ridiculous.

I get full of compassion yet anger, joy yet sorrow. I get a feeling of “How can this work?” and “Wow the love!” Our world is so full of the tension between heavenly perfection and earthly brokenness. The Kingdom certainly is and needs to break in. This is why scripture says that all creation groans and that we groan in suffering and in knowledge and hope that Jesus is bringing his kingdom on earth as it is in heaven (Rom 8; Matt 6).

 

Kingdom and Identity

If you are at all involved in the ministry I am, or have read much of my writings, you know I can get obsessed with two things, Identity and Kingdom. I am convinced that our identity needs to be in the Kingdom and that the Kingdom shapes our identity. The Kingdom is here and coming is this good news called gospel. Jesus’ work on the cross and raising from the dead began this kingdom reign. We now need to be defined by the gospel, namely, King and His kingdom. 

As I prepare for a youth retreat about Identity in Christ here’s what I thought upon:

The curse means your identity is in success, status, power, acceptance of others. 

School becomes the breeding ground for this. Education is success. But success in what? This identity becomes unstable because it’s dependent on things that come and go. The Broken Curse and new life in Jesus means our identity is stable, because Jesus overcame death and defeated brokenness, sickness, sin, and replaced it with life and wholeness. He truly is as Peter calls him, the Cornerstone! That’s who I want as my king, namely, someone who can give me stability in who I am.

 

YOLO in Romans 8

“YOLO” the philosophy that’s changing the youngins. Or is it? The philosophy of YOLO is not a new one, but merely a justification for an old philosophy.  For some reason we think that yelling or hash tagging “YOLO” justifies our comments and actions. For a good definition of YOLO check out AJ Crocker’s thoughts. Basically it’s this, “You Only Live Once then you’re dead so do whatever the heck you want.” Nike says, “Just Do It.” The past has captured the philosophy in such phrases as “whatever man,” and pretty much every action or movement in the 60’s. You only live once, so “sex, drugs and rock and roll.” This philosophy gives us the justification to do what we want with ourselves. We use it as an excuse as though it is the end all be all authority. But, this movement lacks one conviction, eternal life. Without that conviction we can do whatever we want and I would. I love to live in the moment without a care. But, there is another life that we hope and live for. It is the life that will fill the void within us. And this hope is Jesus. 

Paul had to deal with YOLO. He wrote to the Romans and gave a contrast between living in the sinful nature versus living in the Spirit. Paul says this: “Therefore, brothers, we have an obligation-but it is not to the sinful nature, to live according to it. For if you live according to the sinful nature, you will die; but if by the Spirit you put to death the misdeeds of the body, you will live”(Rom 8:12-13). Since the body does die we should act as we only live once(#YOLO), but with the hope of fulfillment in Christ. If the world does not believe in Jesus and the fulfillment he will bring, then yes YOLO is the end all, be all. But Know this: The very nature of the body is to die, but the nature of the Spirit is to live, so why not live?

Our bodies and minds lie to us. They tell us to do whatever feels right. Pure selfishness. The problem is that we are broken people. It doesn’t take much to look around our world or even internally to see that, “wow, we are broken.” Scripture teaches this. So why listen to what is broken when truth is right in front of our eyes. He is called Jesus and He has given us His Spirit to live in, through, and by. Paul says this: “So I say, live by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the sinful nature” (Gal 5:16). By living in the Spirit we can YOLO with a purpose and without being destructive. Death is unavoidable, even YOLO admits it, but know that that death is not the end. Paul says this, “And if the Spirit of him who raised Jesus from the dead is living in you, he who raised Christ from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies through his Spirit, who lives in you” (Rom 8:11). Maybe it’s time we ask Jesus for His Spirit and spend some time walking in Him.  

 

 

“I’m sitting in…

“I’m sitting in the shadow of the sacred and strolling through the splendor of the supernatural without the slightest sense of what surrounds me.”

Dr. Steve Stephens likes his alliteration. Maybe it’s because of his name, but what matters here is the use of antithetical verbs with its corresponding nouns. Here’s what I mean: “Sitting” and “strolling” are leisure themed verbs while the nouns, “shadow of the sacred” and “splendor of the supernatural” are fairly intense descriptions of God. Stevens fleshes out the reality that we live in the ordinary not realizing that God is right there. He states earlier that our faith is often godless, but the reality of God around us is astounding.  He wants us to see that almighty, all intimate God is here with us and we live as though he doesn’t exist. Powerful lesson for christians as well as everyone else.